Did you ever sit and think about what to do with the rest of your life for so long that at the end of it all you were ready to crawl in a hole, live under a bridge, or embrace the deserted island game from elementary school?? Well that is me today. Every time I think I have found direction, I start wondering if it's really what I should be doing. I've Googled and looked on Amazon for some person offering advice for women in their twenties trying to figure it out and there are exactly ZERO! Seriously, I cannot be the first person to wonder what the heck life is all about at this age, and yet no one feels the need to write it down on paper for the next generation...either that or no one has any answers, which is actually more terrifying. At this point I would settle for some big haired, 25 pounds of make up, Botox-ed quack.
I guess I should explain why this train of thought happened today...
I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to do after I come home in December (maybe late november if I don't start finding a reason to stay). It's not that I don't like China, I do, but China is still a developing country, and everyday that I do business here I realize that more and more. Advancement is not here...micro-managing is. Many of the businessmen I've met here LOVE to boss people around...they talk to the Chinese like they're in third grade. They're not stupid, they just don't understand your English because few foreigners actually try and learn Mandarin/Shanghainese. I am person who views that as a person problem (it's my fault for not learning the language first/fast enough) but a lot of the men, particularly American men love the feeling of superiority that comes with yelling at a Chinese man in a language he obviously doesn't understand...and I HATE that! Also, probably the most frustrating thing for me is that the people here lie, now, not everyone does it to be malicious, it's the saving face concept. If you ask if something is done, or correct, etc, they will tell you yes, because they do not want to lose face. But as anyone in business knows, that doesn't fly. I've spent two days emailing asking the same question to 7 different people because no one wants to tell me the real answer...which essentially was my answer, but I don't like to assume that people naturally lie....I don't ever want to get to a place where that is my 'normal.' Call me naive but still...assuming everyone lies seems a little much...
Anyways, so now I have thought about grad school again...of course this will make my mom right about yet another thing in my life (I've tried to explain this to my sister but she's 15, she still thinks we're all stupid). My mom told me the other day, "everything you've ever said you will never do, you end up doing." And to this day I have proven her right many times, more recent examples include...when I was in high school I said I will NEVER go to school in Oklahoma (hello junior and senior year at OU), I said I will NEVER live in Oklahoma again, I hate it (again, 2006-2008 back living in oklahoma and didn't want to leave), My first two years in college I took 18 hours every semester because I was NEVER going to go to school for more than four years (and hello October of 2008 and I'm still here...by choice oddly enough), and finally (my whole family can vouch for this) I said I will NEVER go to grad school....and I spent the better portion of today researching schools....
So, hopefully now that I've written it all down I can stop thinking about it...doubtful but maybe :)
1 comment:
Aaah! I feel the exact same way you do! Trying to figure out the future is WAY too hard!
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